i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
love makes seman taste better
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
