and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
