On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
