I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
