Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
