I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
