All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
