I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
