Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
