Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
