when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
