So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
