you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
