you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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