i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
3 2 1 whiskey
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
