I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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