Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
