I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
