i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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