We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
