he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
