I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
