I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
