Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's rum buckets o'clock
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
