I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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