He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
