he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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