You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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