i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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