What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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