so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
