Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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