Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
