I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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