I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
