I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
