Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
