I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
