6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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