very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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