Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Randomize
