I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
