and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
