Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
