life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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