He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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