its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
