I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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