i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
