You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
