shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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