i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
