meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
