we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
