The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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